Love Lost, Love Found Read online

  Sean sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders to draw her close. “Shush, love, don’t cry.” Her warm tears fell on his neck and broke his heart even more.

  “My heart still aches,” she mumbled against his skin. “He was in my womb for nine weeks and died before he had a chance. I had no idea you’d save the only picture we had to prove he was real.”

  “When I got to the apartment and found you passed out on the floor in the bathroom, I almost died. I saw the blood and thought you had miscarried. They wouldn’t let me near you in the emergency room, but I was lucky to find a clergy doing his nightly rounds at the hospital. I even remember his name. Father Dand. When I told him I thought you’d lost our baby, he stayed with me until I was able to see you.”

  “He was very kind, and I remember him putting a warm, comforting hand on my arm. I thought I’d done something wrong, but he said we don’t always understand God’s plan, but maybe our child wasn’t perfect so he called our baby home. God loves all his children and doesn’t abandon an unborn infant. He takes them to heaven where they live forever.”

  When she shivered, Sean lifted her to his lap and tightened his arms around her. “Our families never knew we made a baby. It was our secret.” His eyes closed, savoring the comforting brush of her soft lips against his neck. “You were worried about the extra expense, but I had them send the bills to me. I detested that ostentatious gold ring my father gave me when I graduated college. Hocking it more than paid the hospital bills.”

  “I never told you, but I gave him a name in my heart. He was going to be Sean Edward, for you and my father.”

  Sean managed to pull a handkerchief from his back pocket and dried the glistening tears on her cheeks. “I love that you wanted our child to have my name. Sean Edward will continue to live in our hearts forever. Before I got married, I kept the pictures on my dresser. That bitch also found the keepsake of a happier time. The night we pretended to get married.”

  “It was the second New Year’s Eve we were together,” Nancy said and nuzzled her cheek against his warm shoulder. “We’d just left Trina and Todd’s party, a little drunk. You were wearing a paper top hat with the year, 1993, and I was wearing a glittery paper crown. The street lamps in the park shone on the virgin snow and created a glistening fairyland. We ran under the arch in Washington Square Park to get out of the falling snow.”

  “We were laughing so hard and I said, ‘Will you marry me?’”

  Nancy lifted a hand and caught the tear that had escaped Sean’s eye with the tip of her finger. “And I said yes. We made up vows on the spur of the moment, promising to love each other for the rest of our lives. You paid that homeless guy walking through the park ten dollars to take our picture with the camera we used to take pictures at the party. That’s the night we went home and made the baby.”

  Nancy pushed herself up and sighed heavily. “Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we’d had the baby and married for real.”

  He took her face in his hands and kissed her softly, tasting the saltiness on her lips. “Someone told me recently that we can’t go back. Fate and God had a plan that didn’t agree with what you and I had in mind. I’m not blaming what I did on God or Fate, but that’s, as they say, water over the dam. If you hadn’t married Nelson, you wouldn’t have a wonderful daughter that I’d like to hear more about. Fate brought us together again, so it’s our chance to find out if what we had is worth fighting for.”

  There was more he had to say, but not here. Losing the baby had been only part of the cause of their breakup. They’d reached a bridge in renewing their relationship. It would be up to her to decide if she wanted to walk across and hear the truth. Hear what led him to end their relationship.

  “I’m sorry she ruined our beautiful evening. What do you say we go back to your place? I asked Chris to put our pie in a to-go box. If we sit here any longer, I’ll probably wind up with a wet ass. The tide is coming in and the waves are breaking closer and closer.”

  “I’d like that, but we need to talk. I also want to hear more about Anita and why you married that bitch.”

  When they walked into her villa a little while later, she put their dessert in the refrigerator. “Would you mind if I changed my clothes before we have our talk?”

  “Great idea. I need to get out of these damp trousers. Be back in ten minutes.” He turned to leave, but paused in front of her. “We can wait until you’re not so upset.”

  “I appreciate you considering my feelings, but there are questions that need to be answered. If we want to start fresh, we have to figure out what went wrong the first time.”

  “It’s going to hurt to learn that truth,” he said.

  When the color of his eyes turned to a stormy hazel blue, she recalled the color meant they were going to talk about something she might not like. “Let’s see which one of us is still here when we’re finished.”

  “I already told you, I’m not walking away.” He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. “Be right back.”

  While he was gone, she took a very quick shower and put on a salmon-colored tank and tan shorts. She let her wet hair hang loose and went barefoot.

  She retrieved the bakery box from the refrigerator and fixed two cups of Lady Grey tea, and laughed at the irony. It was the only tea Sean would drink. She recalled the color of his eyes. He was finally going to come clean.

  She’d never expected that renewing her friendship with Sean would hurt so much. Talking about the child they loved for a brief time was the catalyst to bring up the old hurts that had been simmering for the past twenty-four years. They’d loved each other too deeply, and maybe that was where things went wrong.

  She gave him a forced smile when he didn’t bother to knock and walked into the kitchen. He wore a white shirt and a pair of navy shorts. He, too, was barefoot.

  “I grabbed a quick shower.” He smiled at the cup of tea sitting next to the piece of pie she’d set on a paper plate. “Just like old times. We hated washing dishes.”

  She sat down next to him and wrapped her hands around her mug of tea. “The past couple days we’ve spent together have been wonderful. It’s been fun, and you’ve made all the right moves. You gave me my favorite flower and candy. We reminisced about our favorite movies. You buttered my favorite piece of Italian bread and remembered at the drop of the hat how much I like margaritas. I’ve enjoyed your gentle reminders of what we were, but it’s all been tangible. I think you’ve been trying too hard.” She hadn’t meant to call his bluff, but tightness gripped her chest when he avoided looking at her and played with the fork she’d placed beside his plate.

  “I told you I was sorry what I did to us and meant it.”

  Tears of frustration spilled from her eyes. She stood up and words laced with anger and hurt spilled out. “Goddamn you, Sean. Not good enough! There isn’t any we or us. I thought I’d gotten past it the last twenty-four years, but that girl of twenty-five who lives inside me hasn’t.” She gripped his shoulders with tightened hands and demanded, “Why the hell did you leave me and break my heart?”

  She didn’t resist when he removed her hands from his shoulders and drew her to sit on his lap. “I told you the truth would hurt, and that’s what I wanted to avoid.”

  “I need to know.”

  “I did it because I loved you too much to let you throw away your life.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “You’ll understand, once I explain. Things between us began to change after we lost the baby. I was devastated, but you never wanted to talk about it. I suggested we try and find the priest who gave us comfort, but you said no.

  “Even though you were on the pill, we were always careful. I was filled with guilt because that night I didn’t use extra protection. When we made love for the first time six weeks later, you cried and cried. I thought I’d hurt you, but you said you still felt so empty.

  “We poured all our efforts into our finals. During
that time, I received emails from my father’s law partners offering a position in their firm. They offered an outrageous starting salary. My father said it was only the start, and he’d already put out the word that his son was throwing his hat in the political ring.”

  “You never said anything to me.”

  “I hadn’t made up my mind, and you had enough to worry about getting through finals. I also felt we were drifting apart. Like Nelson, I also saw you had the potential to make a great lawyer. I thought long and hard and realized we were holding each other back. You were using me as a crutch you didn’t need.”

  Sean cupped her wet cheek with his hand. “You were that caterpillar that needed to be set free to turn into a monarch butterfly. You could say I was setting us both free so we could realize our potential. We weren’t letting each other grow, and maybe that wasn’t our time. I’m not making excuses for what I did, but you need to know why I walked away. I loved you with every breath I took, and it broke my heart to set you free.”

  His face blurred from her unshed tears. “Thank you for telling me the truth and helping me to understand what I didn’t see. You actually did me a favor walking away. I depended on you for everything, even my happiness, and that wasn’t fair to you. All we knew was years of schooling, but the world was out there waiting.

  “I told myself a couple of days ago, I was lucky to have the love of two men in my life. Both understood me better than I knew myself, saw my potential.” She threaded her fingers through the damp hair on the side of his head. “I just wish you had told me how you felt rather than telling me the day after graduation that you needed to end things. You had big plans and wanted to make a lot of money. You set me free, all right. I thought my life was over. My parents and Nelson helped me piece my life back together.”

  “I was a cold, heartless shit, but I needed to leave. I was torn up inside knowing it had to be done. Do you forgive me?”

  “Do I understand? Yes. Do I forgive you? Yes. But there will always be that little part inside me that wonders, what if?”

  “That question, too, lives on inside me,” Sean said. “But I truly believe the same God who has our child is giving us a second chance.”

  “Before I let you kiss me, have you told me everything? Don’t spare my feelings.”

  “That’s everything. Almost. I never stopped loving you, Nancy Jean, and I hope someday to hear you say those words back to me. No rush. I’m not walking away.”

  “Give me time, Sean. You’ve dumped a lot on my plate, and I need to come to terms with everything you’ve said. First, I’d like that kiss.”

  He captured her mouth and surrounded her body with his arms, bringing her as close as humanly possible. Her head rested on his shoulder, and he feathered her cheeks with little kisses before returning to the eager lips that welcomed him home.

  “Just like an old shoe,” she murmured and pulled softly on his bottom lip with her teeth.

  “What’s that supposed to mean? A few gray hairs don’t mean the fire has burned out in a certain part of my body that is so ready to make love to you.”

  “Despite our being separated for so many years, kissing you feels so right, like we’re meant to be.”

  “Good save, unless you want me to prove my point.”

  “Sean, there was never anything wrong with your ‘point.’ For now, I’ll take a rain check. How about I get us refills on the tea and we can have our dessert?”

  “That’s not my current dessert of choice, but I’ll take second best,” he teased and kissed her quickly before she could escape his lap.

  “Over dessert, you can tell me about your marriage.”

  “That’s a great way to deflate my ego.”

  “She’s gorgeous and very proud of her boobs.”

  “They weren’t that big when we were married, but it wouldn’t have made any difference. She wasn’t you.”

  “Thank you for the compliment, but from what she said to me earlier, you didn’t marry her for love.”

  “No, I looked on marriage to her as a business arrangement. Again, I was stupid and had dollar signs in my eyes. She had aspirations of being married to a Washington politician and enjoyed the glitz and glamour connected to my father. I guess you can say we used each other. Her father contributed heavily to my father’s re-election campaigns, while I steered him to investments that added to his already-fat coffers. It was a win-win situation. He had a son-in-law who could keep his princess daughter in the lap of luxury. My father kept pushing me to run for Congress. After a couple of years, she wasn’t happy when I kept rebuffing the idea. I spent a lot of nights in the office working, trying to build my own financial portfolio. She found other amusements that I’ll not elaborate on.

  “In all fairness, maybe I never gave her a chance. There wasn’t a cute, bubbly blonde to jump me when I walked in the door who found more pleasure eating Hamburger Helper than attending a political fundraiser. We’ve been divorced for almost two years, but she still manages to mess up my life. She’s on her way to husband number two.”

  “Are you going to send a donation to the Naples Philharmonic?”

  “I do every year and didn’t need her to remind me.”

  Sean checked the time on his watch. “Do you realize it’s after three? Unless you’ve decided to invite me to spend the night, I better get going. Before I do, are we good?”

  “Yes, we’re very good. As for spending the night, it’s not a dead issue. Give me a little more time to get used to us.”

  He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her close. “You did confirm there is an us. I’m not going to stop saying I love you, Nancy Jean, so you’d better get used to hearing me say those three little words.” He lowered his lips to hers and poured his confessed love into his kiss.

  After Sean left, she curled up in her lonely bed, but felt like a new woman. Most of the old hurts were gone, and she accepted what he’d done was best for her, but it was the way he’d gone about it. She wasn’t that same person, and neither was he. Her heart swelled at the thought he’d kept his love alive.

  Rays of moonlight streamed into the room, and her eyes were drawn to the fairy-like vision. “Thank you, Sean Edward, for sending your daddy to me. This is our time, and we’re going to make it.”

  Chapter 6

  The next morning, Nancy slept longer than usual. It had been after four by the time she eventually fell asleep. Sean filled her thoughts the moment she opened her eyes. Happiness had her hugging the pillow on the other side of the bed. He still loved her. The good-night kiss they’d shared had rocked her world. That, too, hadn’t changed.

  She took a quick, wakeup shower and dressed in her running shorts and tank. There was a spring in her step when she left the house, and she inhaled flower-scented air on her way to her car. She debated knocking on Sean’s door to ask if he wanted to join her, but decided he needed his sleep. When they’d lived together, their class schedules had always been different, and he had no problem with her slipping into bed and snuggling even when he’d gotten home late, usually after doing research in the library. The snuggling had always been the start of a hot, good morning wakeup.

  “I wonder if he still has the same early morning stamina.” She laughed at the happy memory.

  Two hours later, she returned to her villa at the Casa Blanca. She’d stopped at the mini-mart to pick up groceries. It was time to show Sean she’d learned how to cook something that didn’t come out of a package. While putting the perishables away, she suffered the giddiness of a teenager and wanted to be with him.

  “I’m going over there,” she said on her way into the bathroom to wash her face and run a brush through her hair.

  She walked the short distance between their villas and noticed the housekeeping cart outside the door. The maid had just closed the door.

  “Is Mr. Harrigan home?”

  “Oh, he checked out.”

  Immediate shock killed her happiness. “Checked out? When?”

&nbs
p; “This morning. That’s why I did a thorough cleaning.”

  “Is he coming back?”

  “I don’t know. Do you need something?”

  “Ah, no, thank you.”

  Her emotions ran the gamut, from surprise to concern and ending in a soaring temper. “That good-for-nothing bastard! I’m not walking away! Bullshit!”

  She stormed into her own villa. “I must look like a first-class patsy falling for him again.” She went into the bedroom to get her phone that she kept in the nightstand next to her bed. He’d never given her his cell number, but he’d called the other night.

  When he didn’t pick up, she left a cryptic message. “Sean Patrick Harrigan, this is the second time you walked out on me!” A pain gripped her heart when she added, “Don’t bother calling me back, because we’re done.”

  Before putting her phone away, she reviewed her other messages. There was a note from Blue Steel. He’d been transferred to a rehab facility and would love to chat. He’d be in therapy during the day, but would be available in the evenings. He’d wait for her to reach out to him.

  “I’ve been such a fool falling for a slick-tongued devil, and I’ve got this great, understanding guy who’d never betray me.” She replied with a quick message that she would be contacting him this evening.

  The temperature was in the high eighties that afternoon, so she worked on her tan. The soft sand conformed to her body as she stretched out on a towel and cradled her head on her hands. The hurt and disappointment she thought she’d conquered slowly slipped into her mind. Her immediate temper dissipated, replaced by rational thoughts. Maybe he had to leave due to some kind of emergency, but surely he would have left word. If that were the case, she’d reasoned it was too late since she’d told him they were through.

  She had no control of the tears that slipped from her eyes. Last night, the love she’d harbored for Sean had pushed at the door of her heart, but something held her back. She’d wanted the same love and happiness she’d shared with Sean before, but would the love of that twenty-five-year-old have been strong enough to withstand the test of time? Memories of what they’d shared carried a bag of emotions. Was she imagining herself in love with Sean?